.B e a u t i f u l. L u m p s. O f. C o a l.

Randomness

[Thursday, May 26, 2005 ::Orange76 ]

Just plain randomness

Mood: Pensive

Life carries on as usual. There are days when I feel that everything has completely gone wrong. Other times, its just plain sulking. Then I recall having seen a dead body laying on the pavement near the office at roughly 2am. This made realise that life we have is never really ours. Our time here is ticking. If its your time to go, you're gone.

I just find it hard to understand sometimes on how religion was used to cover up unexplainable things like the afterlife. What really happens to you in the afterlife? When I die, do I really go to heaven or hell? or do I just wander around and be a restless spirit like the rest of those roaming the earth. Sometimes, I find it unfair that our time here is so unpredictable. I guess that's makes life more interesting to live.

A few more weeks and I'm 29. Looking back at my life, I can never say it was completely bad. I can still smile and recall happy moments that help overshadow the gloomy times that I went through. Like I said in my blog, people take vacation for specific reasons. Others would take them to rest. Some for the sheer fun of it. Mine was purely for assessing my life. Like all journeys, when I came back, things began to unfold. I realised that I am tired and I need to move on or move up. I've loved my team to much that I have barely looked into working on my own plans. I still love my job. My team. But now, I feel that it is about time to hand over the key to a new blood. I'd love to study and travel all the time if it were financially possible. I need to explore other facets of my life that is waiting to be discovered. Like everyone else, I would like to prove myself and have my place in this world.

Odd enough, I miss being happy. I miss my dad. Yes, I miss him a lot. I denied myself of the period of grief to show my family that I had moved on. I have not moved on. I admit on never been the good son I could've been. The short moments I spent with them everytime we had lunch was bliss. It was the only time I felt bliss being in their their company. I still bear that pain of not being able to work things out with him. All I can do is be sorry.

I am also at the point in my life wherein I need to be happy about who and what I am. I know I am gay. I'm open about my sexuality to my friends and co-workers. Yet, I am depriving my family of the truth. I feel that I am living a lie. Kathy says that its never easy to come out. I just want to get it over with. I just don't know if I will ever be ready to face their reaction.

I'm single. Still single. I've gotten compliments saying that I'm okay looking. Is it that I've outgrown dating and would rather be trapped in a life of romance. Having a partner...walking together and traveling to different places...having candlelit dinner and spending a sensual evening at a posh cabin/suite making passionate love like there's no tomorrow. *reality check*

***I've got more work to do...I'm out...***

{.:..:..:.}

Phone Monkey, Out

[Saturday, May 14, 2005 ::marko ]

One hour to go until I go home. One hour left officially as a Customer Service Representative.

And so ends my three-and-a-half-year odyssey as a drone of the digital empire. Good times, bad times - you know the whole deal. I was remotely teary-eyed at the start of my shift, but now I'm just anxious. I want to think about it not as resigning from a high-paying (well higher than the average entry level kind) job, but as opening my doors for other opportunities.

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? I gotta do something fast lest we go hungry. Well, I know I'll find something adequate to replace the financial vacuum I've just created.

I'm actually too lazy to sort out the people at work that I'd like to acknowledge. I might forget someone unintentionally and hurt his/her feelings, soooo here goes my universal shout-out to all of you at work:

My deepest thanks go out to all of you who've I've shared a moment with. It could have been a short, meaningful conversation during a smoke or during a lull in the phone queue. It could have been a good laugh we shared between ourselves, or a good IM chat we had amidst the humdrum routine of work. Whatever it was, thanks for sharing that shred of time of with me. That single moment in time we had will forever be etched into history. No one and nothing can ever take that away.

Thanks to all those that helped me out here in one way or another. Thanks for showing me the ropes when I was still a hapless newbie. Thanks for putting up with whatever foul-ups I might have committed. Thanks for being there when I needed you.

And my apologies to any toes I inadvertently stepped on while we were out there on the floor, earning our daily bread. I really am a nice guy if you got to know me better.

Somehow, somewhere I'm going to run into you guys again. I'm not the most touchy-feely person out there, but believe me when I say there must a purpose for having crossed paths with you all.

Besides, it's not like I'm going to vaporize into thin air, right? See you all on the other side :)

Phone Monkey, out.

{.:..:..:.}