beautiful lumps of coal
RE: It Should All End :
[Tuesday, December 30, 2003 ::Master Lee® ]
|

I absolutely know how it feels... money being the core. my family is dysfunctional as it can be ... I remembered how it is to buy my way around the freedom I wanted ... being blamed for things that happen and yet you absolutely had nothing to do with it.
My getting pregnant for example ... I was not as scared to tell them I was with child .. why? I had a job and wouldn't really be a burden to them ... My mother's coming home is seen as a storm ... she will be there to make us feel how blessed we are??? or how much she's worked to give us what we have ... I see her arrival as a financial edge ... she has money ... some see my view as being ungrateful ... I don't I see it as an opportunity to my advantage like everyone else... I have to fend for myself and protect myself and my child as well... My mother will be home by Late January ... to support me? hell no ... being the arrogant bitch that she is ... having so much within her .. she will make it a point for Reker to see that we don't need his money ... I guess its her own way of protecting me ... Just like my eldest sister Nanay Lea ... they've prepared for the day they meet his family in the hospital like a game of chess ... they can't wait to say CHECKMATE ...

Money will always show ones personality ... that's what my sister tells me ... true ... I have friends who've fought over money ...
I've had my moments where in I felt cheated ... my point is ... this is something I did not work hard for .. I have learned the value of my work... my labor.

We have all learned and felt how it is to depend on the 15th and 30th to survive... i guess that's how it is to grow up....

{.:..:..:.}


RE: It Should All End
[Sunday, December 28, 2003 ::Ice ]
|

not so long ago, i was in ian's shoes...

i remember how painful it is to grow up and realize that though you love your famly, it is time to stand up and move on. even if moving on means moving without them... there comes a point in everybody's life i guess that you have to make a choice. you have to take a stand, get up and get a life... before your parents mold your life for you. the typical filipino family being tight-knit and close, required children to adhere blindly to their parent's wishes. it required children to stay with their parents and help financially and otherwise. so to move away from this norm is oftentimes viewed as disobedience.

i fought long and hard with my parents. first with my mom and my quest for financial freedom. they want to handle my salary and my finances for me. i refused. my mom raised hell...i stood my ground and kept my money.

the most recent battle i had was the most trying. my dad didn't like keith. neither did my mom. they harangued me to within an inch of my sanity to break up with him. i didn't. that was the time they threatened to throw me out of their house. i told them to give me a month to look for another place to stay. that shut them up well and good...

so now, a year after all that brouhahah... i am still together with keith. both my parents are living in the countryside, swearing each time they call me that they miss me so.

how i adore my family. i miss them too but i would rather have it this way. it's so funny how you can love a person so much and not be able to be with them for long. i was in ian's shoes once but i got out of it eventually... they hurt my feet too much...



{.:..:..:.}


It should all end.
[Saturday, December 27, 2003 ::Orange76 ]
|

I think it pays to be good even if you're taking all the crap out of life. Just this afternoon, I was enjoying lunch (Take note!, 'Tis the first time I had lunch at home on a Saturday morning) and here goes the innocent Village association fee collector. I told everyone I left money on the fridge to be used to pay for that bill, yet no one claims to have seen it. Then my father goes ballistic, yelling that I didn't leave it there and left only enough to cover for one month.

Sheeeesh, 'tis like I SHIT MONEY out of my blood. Now, I recall my mum telling me that she will pay me on the 17th of Decembre. Its almost New Year and no cent has landed on me hands. It frightens me that she will not be able to pay for the amount she borrowed from me. Is this a curse for what I did, back when I was in college? I sure hope not. This is not the best time for things to happen. Has the family gone completely mad? Is money the centre and fuel of our lives right now? I think IT IS! What a whole bunch of FUCK! I used to recall our family as somewhat more deeple rooted in being together and all that shite. Now, its all changed. Is it because we've grown older and things are different, wherein we need to live like adults and be independent of each other? If that is what being an adult is all about, then it is just nonsense. PURE NONSENSE!

Its a sign that I should really pack up and move on with my life. NOTHING, I REPEAT! NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO ME IF I CONTINUE THIS LIFE WITH MY FAMILY. It is weird that I feel more composed whenever I am with myself than when I am with them. I feel like I compromise my existence for their comfort in life. It seems like to win their hearts, I need to shower them with monetary affection. That's how I see it now. I despise having to feel this way towards my family. I feel like the best thing to do is to cut my picture out from the whole set. I may not be able to stand on my own, but definitely it would seem our paths are better off not meeting each other.

Indeed 'tis such harsh things to say for monetary reasons, but I am more affected on how they see me. I am eternally their child, but should be treated like an adult. An adult who has feelings and dreams of his own life being happy and fulfilled. So it shows that to endure so much pain and suffering in your early life makes one a winner at the end. 'tis a misery to be sad in both beginning and end.

Right now, I could use some time alone in a place where I could think of what to do next. I wish that I'd be able to make my plans work on being able to live my life anew. I feel that I have become an excess baggage to my family, plus consider the fact that I will not be continuing the bloodline. I'm gay and just like any human being, am entitled to happiness and love. Getting those things out of life isn't easy for anyone, but I think I've been kind enough to most people around me to have a slice of that love.

Silly how I really loved the movie Bridget Jones's Diary. It's satirical, but mostly reflective on the lives of single people who are in search of finding happiness. "I love you just as you are" is a phrase that I will never hear someone say to me. As far as I know, that is the main reason why it is called movie.

I think I'm a bit okay now. I'm hurt, but they will never know. From how things are, I know sooner I will just be erased as a member of this family. My role is nothing, and nothing shouldn't be a part of anything that is whole.

Bye. I will sulk later, but in the meantime, I should at least try to stay alive in achieving my goals. Suicide may be the easy way out, but I know it will have a more damaging after effect. Just vanishing from the picture would be more effective.

{.:..:..:.}


good bye for now...
[Monday, December 22, 2003 ::Master Lee® ]
|

I just found out a friend of mine was leaving for London tomorrow. It was sudden ... I felt tears sting my eyes... he's been such a good friend to me ... he was a tower of strength for me ... he was always there to comfort me and make me feel good... he was so supportive of my pregnancy ... no he has to go ... and discover greener pastures ... I wish him only the best ... seldom do I meet people like him... I wish he didn't have to go ...

{.:..:..:.}


A New Day Has Come
[Wednesday, December 17, 2003 ::Orange76 ]
|

A New Day Has Come

A new day, oh..oh..
A new day, oh..oh..
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don’t shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I’d make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has... come

Where it was dark now there’s light
Where there was pain now there’s joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it’s almost blinding me
I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has...

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has... come

Ohhh

Hush, now

I see a light in your eyes
All in the eyes of the boy

I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

I can’t believe
I’ve been touched by an angel with love

****************************************
I think this song is something I cannot forget. Somehow it has inspired to be more positive, and have hope for tomorrow. I don't think something with a good meaning can be called cheesy. Perhaps to some, yes, but definitely
not everyone would think that way.

So this week has been quite a challenge. I'm somewhat perplexed that I am actually able to bear the task of training new hires. I recall that this is my Achilles' Heel. Good luck to my team. We've been going through some changes lately. All the more in 2004, these changes will be taking effect, and the experiencing will be seeping in.

I hope a dear colleague of mine would be able to bounce back from the bewildering experience she had yesterday.

God bless her.

Lovelife update: None. PATHETIC!

{.:..:..:.}


Tanjobi Omedeto
[Monday, December 15, 2003 ::marko ]
|

Having existed exactly 24 years in this little rock called Earth, I'm compelled to write something about that I guess. However, I've accumulated so many observations, thoughts, and what-have-yous over the past week, so I'm not dedicating this obligatory post exclusively to my birthday.

Oops, staff meeting...I'll be back.

Ok, I'm back. It's funny that our staff meeting is like a high school or college lecture...losta noisy students in the background, and the prof is about to have a stroke from the inattentive youngins.. of course, I'm always the quiet one, not necessarily paying attention myself though. Just doodling and scribbling away, making some pathetic attempt at art.

Hoo boy, Iam 24 years old. I feel like a little older, a little wiser, and a little fatter. Wiser because I've learned some of the ropes of being married for a year as well. We celebrated our anniversary/birthdays at the Holiday Inn (formerly the Galleria Suites) at Ortigas. The selection consisted of KFC and Pizza Hut, yummy. Pics can be found here. Anyways, I actually don't have any profound or thought-provoking insights about my birthday. Maybe I should be grateful to the Unseen Force Above for being alive for another year, so thanks, God :-)

Other that....hmmmmm.... I'm honestly at a loss as to what can be said....

Ok, on to other things. Limp Bizkit's latest album, Results May Vary is definitely growing on me. Now this band is the exception to my preference for generally (pseudo) cerebral rock. I like my rock heavy yet intelligent. Sometimes the Bizkit can be pretty heavy on the testosterone and bling-bling, but somehow, it's something that's OK by me....but I would have crucified Kid Rock for. But they can definitely balance out the tough shit with their more soulful and heartfelt stuff, especially with this album. I can say that they haven't lost their touch. Their new guy Mike Smith is great with the guitars. He's nicely filled in the vacuum left by ol' Wes. His style is awesome because he can provide the essential crunch to the Limp's sound, but it's all original....and Mike's pretty sweet with his acoustic work too. Basically, he's not trying to be a clone of Wes Borland, which is a good thing. Don't get me wrong though, Wes is a great musician in his own right, and his riffs has most definitely define the Bizkit sound during his time. I'll miss him, his guitar work helped establish the band as a landmark in rap-metal...before all the other cookie cutter acts came along (Hi Papa Roach!). I mean, Wes' stuff contributed to Limp's greatest songs (oops, I nearly typed the word "hits" instead, which is cheesy and cliche ). By the way, is it just me, or has John Otto become more of a kickass drummer?? Geez, is that double bass I hear? Sweet...although I dunno for sure since I don't play the drums.

This band can churn out stadium/arena songs that you can slam to, but also stuff you can wave your lighter to, all in one album. My only gripe is that they put a lot more acoustic/sensitive songs than the moshpit ones, not to mention less of DJ lethal's turntables . But that's just me nitpicking. Which reminds me, they were supposed to come here, but cancelled a couple of days before the scheduled date. Leche, sayang talaga. Eh kung si Mandy Moore nga hindi natakot pumunta dito...di makabasag pinggan istura non. Sila Fred Mukhang bandido!!! Haaaay...

Movie Review: Black Rain. I've just read Roger Ebert's review of this movie. I'm crushed because he only gave it 2 out of 4, which makes it pretty much in the middle....or mediocre. I greatly respect Ebert's views on cinema, being an established movie critic. He's witty, insightful, and often funny. In this case, however, I beg to disagree; I immensly enjoyed the film. I have a thing for international oriental thrillers. It's all about East-meets-West, baby. There's just something about how a Gaijin sees Japan, either finding it as totally alien, or those types that have adapted to the culture so much so that they're practically a native (the thought of a stereotypical blonde, blue-eyed caucasian muttering prefect Japanese has always allured me).

Director Ridley Scott (Blade Runner, Gladiator, Black Hawk Down) did a very good job with this one....although I have to agree with Ebert on the movie's excessively dark tone. I've never been to Japan, but I know there's more to it than seedy, poorly lit alleys illuminated with neon signs. I would have liked more daytime scenes to show the splendor of the country's beautiful landscapes. The theme of the movie is very tasteful to me: the inner workings of the feared Yakuza. Ain't that cool? Just like the Italian Mafia, they also have their own set of rules, even if they live outside of the law. What also struck me is a particular scene where an Oyabun (Yakuza boss) expresses his distaste for westerners by recounting his post-World War II boyhood experiences:

***OK, I've been searching Google for the final script for this movie, but all I've found on the web so far is the draft, not the final version. The piece of dialogue I was gonna quote is missing. The Oyabun recounts how his family came out of hiding after the atomic bombs fell (*note: this is not a quote verbatim - - this is as best as I could remember it. If anyone has a copy of the dialogue, let me know):

"We hid underground for three days...when we came up, it started to rain...it was black rain. " (hence the title)

This is a chilling statement; it gives the movie a historical anchor. You can see the shades of the past with words like these.

It was also good that there were no subtitles for the initial scenes where the Japanese characters were speaking to each other. It makes you see the action from Nick's (Michael Douglas) point of view: a Gaijin uninitiated to his foreign co-workers' and nemesis' behavior. This subtle touch helps the viewer empathize with the Americans' predicament, struggling to get a crime solved while getting around the language barrier...and this also adds to Black Rain's exotic feel. In the end, we finally see why these strange slant-eyed men are killing each other during the final sequence, where the Japanese dialogue is translated. Very cool indeed.

{.:..:..:.}


bagong diosa???!!
[Saturday, December 13, 2003 ::Ice ]
|

well, my coven... it's been a long time.

i am taking a time off from the endless follow-ups i am doing today to share with you what i overheard last night, before this big "luau" we had. so there i was, your dear bronze goddess... sitting ever so magnificently on my throne, having dressed already for the event with my signature tank top and sarong. in comes her, wearing a garland of pretty pink flowers on her hair. somebody saw her and yelled "wow diosa!" and lo and behold! she laughs and says "oo. ako na ang bagong..."

she was unble to finish her sentence. i am pretty sure that was the time she realized that i was but a meter or two away from her, the real goddess around thses parts.

so! she thought to replace moi? tsk, tsk... sorry darling, it took a lot of hard work to get where i am now, it took a huge effort to be what thay call me now... a "goddess"... ilang araw akong nagsunog sa ilalim ng araw para lang mabansagang "bronze goddess"... so sorry na lang...

heheheheehehe...

yun lang, just wanted to share my kvetching... *wink*


{.:..:..:.}


Are we there yet?
[Friday, December 05, 2003 ::Orange76 ]
|

Common question people ask whenever they're embarking on a long haul.

How come I never asked that question whenever I was travelling? Was I in the state of being overwhelmed with the fact that I'm in another time and space? Its pointless to brood over things especially when you fail to enjoy the moment.

I miss Jim. I enjoyed him and his friend's company. Honestly, I've never had such fun than being with them. I was able to let my hair down, be myself and not pretend that I am this or that. In other words, I was stripped naked of all the sugarcoating that embodies me. I WILL be seeing them again...and soon.

'tis Friday. Weekend is officially here. What to expect? None. What to do? Sleep. Sulk until the boredom sucks the life out of me. Perhaps smoke a fag or two. Should really kick the habit. It's costing me more than it is being of help.

I want a tattoo. I know that would be like vandalising my body, but since I've already ruined it by my vices (smoking, poor eating habits) I think this wouldn't really be a big blow. I'm considering the Japanese Character for Fire Dragon since that is the symbol for those born in 1976. It will be done on the back of my neck. In between the shoulder blades.

Well, it is officially the weekend. I will plan later. For now, I shall succumb to the yearning of this corporeal host...SLEEP!

{.:..:..:.}


plingkingting lang daw tong nararamdaman ko.
[Friday, December 05, 2003 ::Master Lee® ]
|

I guess kasama yan pag buntis ka... hindi na pwede mag graveyard. bawal mag puyat. bawal na rin ang gumumik. bawal na halos lahat nang nakasanayan mo ... pero pagka panganak mo pwede ulit ... dahan dahan nga lang.

Nakakasama nang loob na talaga kung minsan nagpla - plano sila ... sila lang ... sila na lang. Buti pa ang iba naalala ka... pero ang iba ... uhm ..... wala... Tulad yung mga picture taking na yan ... ala matrix effect ... kahapon nag txt ang mga tao .. bring shades daw for the pictorial. Sabay lalapitan ka nang kumukuha nang pictures " LEE nagdala ka ba nang shades? " hindi eh ... di nyo naman sinabi ... ang sagot sayo ... ganun ba? ... deadma na lang ulit.. sabi ko na lang di ako kasama sa team pictures... Halos lahat nang kakilala ko may natanggap na txt ako wala ... naisip ko baka wala sila nang number ko. mga maliit na bagay na nakakasama nang loob dahil " I feel so left out " yung isang TL ang hirit pa sa kin ... wala kang TL kase FLOATING ka lang..." totoo nga naman. pang umaga ka eh. taga sagot ako nang overflow nang calls. taga process nang TOO and nang LOD. pati na rin nang FOC. yan ang papel ko. Haay ... iba na talaga pagbuntis. Minsan akala nang ibang tao wala kang ginagawa ... pumapasok ka lang para umextra. Admittedly work is definitely lighter ... we're all entitled to our own opinions. as always such is a life.

Nakakalungkot. Naiiyak ako. pero ika nga nila iiyak mo na lang pagkatapos deadma na lang... dead ma na lang talaga.

{.:..:..:.}


Hapi Berdey tu mi...
[Tuesday, December 02, 2003 ::melissa ]
|

Nagulat ako ng nagsimba ako kanina sa may amin.
Ang daming tao. Ang daming nagtitinda sa labas. Ubod ng dami ngayon kesa dati.Tsaka ang mga tao din..hindi ko alam kung san nagsulputan..

Ahhh...kase piyesta na samen..December 1
December 1 din berdey ko.Yahhuuuu...

Kaya yung mga kakilala ko na taga-samen hindi nakakalimutan ang berdey ko kase piyesta din sa lugar namen..inuman..kainan..sayawan..
Tsaka celebration din ng World Aid's Day yun.
Astig talaga ang berdey ko no?!

Alala ko nung bata ako at kapag berdey ko laging walang pasok. Lahat hapi-hapi.
Ako naman badtrip kase hindi ako nababati ng mga klasmeyt ko.
Kaya ng grumadweyt ako ng hayskul, masayang masaya ako kase malalayo na ako sa lugar namen at mababati na din ako pag berdey ko!

Wala lang..alala ko lang yung mga berdey ko dati. Laging umuulan..pramis.
Dati naiinis pa ako dahil pag nagpapa-party ako e inuulan. Pero ngayong matanda na ako, nalaman ko na blessing pala yun..pram abab. *winks*

Ngayong taon na to, maraming mga pers na nangyari..

Pers taym kong magpapa-party para sa mga ka-opisina ko. Nung isang taon kase, dinedma ko lang sila. Yung iba kung barkada ang nilibre ko. Ngayong taon sila naman.

Pers taym ko ding na-sorpresa. Nasa opisina kase ako ng pumatak ang berdey ko. Oo, may pasok ako.
Alam ko loser ako! Tapos yung kasama ko pa sa shift e hap-dey kaya ako lang talaga.As in a-l-o-n-e.
Tapos malaman laman ko pag patak ng alas-dose, may nagpatay ng ilaw sa wing namen at biglang may mga boses na kumanta ng 'Hapi Berdey'..ayun..
mejo naiyak ako dahil naka-relate na din ako sa feeling ng sinorpresa sa kanyang kaarawan.
Sinurprise ako nila Enigma, Twin, Uree, Potato Pao, Celtic Soul, Jr. Varsity at si Brat.
Maraming maraming salamat sa inyong mga nag-sorpresa saken. Sobrang touched talaga ako. *sniffs* Hehe!
Kahit walang magreregalo ng boypren saken okay lang..mahal ko pa din kayong mga prends ko!

Malay naten sa Sabado; sa pa-parti namen ni Deej e magkaron na ko ng boypren...hehehe!

WISHFUL THINKING!
Hmpf..hapi berdey na nga lang saken!

*Salamat sa lahat ng bumati!


Jr. Varsity, Celtic Soul, Uree, Me, Brat, Twin and Potato Pao

{.:..:..:.}


The Kindred
Goddess Nemo
Omniscient Goddess
PsykoNurz
Uree the Diver
Graveyard Beauty
Divine Discontent
Mr.Suave
Freaky Queen
Celtic Goddess
Mad Marko...
The Dreamweaver
Japanese Charmer
Sweet Pie
Simply Pao
SkyeChill
The Edj
Princess Mari
Hogwarts Witch
Lady Gail
Rewind
Wishes
"I admire you for having the courage to move outsi...
hey guys! i have a new blog:http://www.perfectlyta...
Hi,my new blog address is: http://grubbysneakers.b...
|| beyond kodak moments ||i was reading Twin's blo...
It's Been Awhile ...
Randomness
Phone Monkey, Out
Goodbye
Post
Message Board
Powered by TagBoard Message Board
Name

URL or Email

Messages(smilies)

On the Shelf
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
July 2004
December 2004
January 2005
April 2005
May 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
May 2006
December 2006
credit due
template/tart graphics
photo/stock exchange
Weblog Commenting and Trackback by HaloScan.com